was well into the 11th. grade when I gave in to my feelings and had my first homosexual experience with a 12th. grade neighbor boy. By the time I entered my senior year of high school, I had given myself completely to the homosexual lifestyle. For the next several years I not only lived the gay lifestyle but I became heavily involved with alcohol and marijuana.

As I grew older, I realized that my hometown was too small to live the gay lifestyle. I finally told my mother that I was gay, and she said that I really didn't know what I was, that it was too early to tell, and that I needed to date girls. Eventually, I moved to Albuquerque, New Mexico, to be with my older sister that had been kicked out of the house.

It was there that I learned about hitting the gay bars. Living this lifestyle felt very comfortable to me. Later, I moved to San Antonio, Texas, to live with another sister, and there I began to explore other avenues of the gay lifestyle. It was there that I met the person who would be my first partner, and we moved in together. Even though we were living in a committed relationship, neither one of us was faithful to the other.

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We then moved to Charlotte, North Carolina, where our commitment was dissolved but our friendship remained intact. During the times when I did not have a lover, I was very promiscuous. I never liked living or being alone, so I was always on the lookout for a partner. While in Charlotte, I met the young man who would later be my long-term partner. Although we became partners, our relationship was built more on our mutual friendship rather than sexual encounters. I then moved to Colorado Springs with my new friend and continued on with my life. Even with a new friend and partner, I never could be faithful to him or any one else. At some point after moving to another state, the new would wear off and soon I would find myself moving to another state. However, one of the things I learned is that the first person you meet when you move to another state is your self. Regardless of one's surroundings, if the heart hasn't changed then you just continue to take the same problems, the same loneliness, the same isolation with you.

Eventually, I became tired of the sexual encounters. When drinking with my friends I would often ask the question, "Why are we here? There has to be more to life than sex and drinking." No one could ever come up with an answer that would satisfy me. At other times, I would ask myself, "If I were to die today, would I go straight to heaven or hell?" There was always a voice that would say, "You're going straight to hell." But I would continue to justify my lifestyle by saying that I was basically a good person.

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